Month: September 2014

On in-service days.

<Driving to work, I spot two kids in standardized dress with backpacks on, walking toward the school. Because I’m nice, I slow down and roll my window down.>
“Hey-you guys know you don’t have school today, right?”
“What?”
“It’s an in-service day.”
“It’s a what?”
“You know, teachers go and you don’t?”
“Are you serious, Miss?”
“Yes. I go to work, you go back to bed.”
<They both stop walking.>
“For real?”
“Dude, she’s like, not in her work clothes.”
“Yep! Jeans! See? Go home.”
“Alright, thanks, Miss! Bro, you wanna get donuts first?”
<I start to drive away.>
“Nah, man, I want to get Takis, Monster, donuts, AND pizza. We can eat all day now that we’re up!”
<They laugh and high-five. Teenagers are gross and strange.>

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On WCW

“Miss, smile! Instagraaaaaam!”
“What? Why would anyone┬áneed a picture of me for their Instagram? No one does.”
“Yes! I do! I want you to be my Woman-Crush-Wednesday!”
“Oh dear God, no. No. That’s just weird, and not okay, so no. Put your phone away.”
“Miss! Mr. ________ was my Man-Crush-Monday, it’s fine!”
“And did he KNOW that he was your MCM?”
“Well, no.”
“Right, because it’s weird.”
“Whatever, Miss. I’ll just Google you.”

Jesus.

On how high school determines college outlook.

“Miss, what college should I go to?”
“Mizzou.”
“Yeah, I know that’s where you went, but where should I go?”
“Mizzou.”
“Miss.”
“Look, kid, I don’t know what to tell you – I went to Mizzou, I loved it. I didn’t go anywhere else, so I didn’t love anywhere else. You ask me where to go, I’m going to say Mizzou. Because it’s the best.”
“Yeah, but you went to M——— High School, so I mean, of course you love it.”
“And where exactly are you going to high school?”
“M———–.”
<teacher look>
“Yeah, I KNOW, I know, but does going to M——– mean that I HAVE to go to Mizzou?”
“No, it means that if you’re as awesome as me, you’ll go to Mizzou. If you’re not, you’ll go to like, UNT, or SMU, or Texas. Basically some other college that’s decent but nowhere near as awesome as the University of Missouri.”
“Actually, Mr. _______ says it means you have to go to E——— and drop out.”
“He’s not….totally wrong, but…that’s not an option I’d advise…”
“FINE. Fine. You win, you trapped me, I’ll go to Mizzou.”

On vandalism.

<I come back to the class from lunch.>
“Miss, you look confused.”
“No, I mean, I’m not confused, just curious.”
“ABOUT?”
“Which one of my students wrote Anaconda lyrics on the toilet paper dispenser.”
<Five girls and one boy answer> “Me!” “It was me!” …and so forth…
<We all give the guy a weird look, and I shake it off.>
“You guys know I have to write you a detention for that, right?”
<Loudest girl> “Oh, it totally wasn’t me, then, Miss.” <The other girls agree.>
<I look at the boy-student.>
“It was still me. Wanna hear me sing it? I know it by heart.”
“NO!”
<Rest of class> “YES!”

On my educational film clip choices.

“Miss. Why would you make us watch this?”
“It’s dramatic irony – just hang in there.”
“No!”
“Are you – oh, honey, don’t cry. It’s not real.”
“Simba’s crying! His dad died! I can’t help it!”
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m scarred for life now. Disney’s the worst.”

On my dating life.

“Miss – can I ask you a real question?”
“No, only fake ones.”
“Okay, well I’m going to ask you a real one anyway – Do you only date men with glasses?”
“Uh, no. I mean, technically, people dating who both wear glasses is harder because, you know, physical boundaries and whatnot.”
<Nods at my photo wall>”But all your ex-boyfriends have glasses.”
“Who are you talking about?”
<Points at photos of me with pretty much every single one of my bffs’ SOs.>
“No. Those are not my exes.”
“Are you sure?”
“Pretty sure.”
“But, like, what about those two? Ain’t nobody gets that close to someone they’re not dating.” <Points to two specific photos.>
“Oh, no. No no no no no no no no no no no no no. No.”
“That’s a lot of nos.”
“Yes. Those guys are just my friends, like, married to my other friends.”
<Thinks.> “I hope I have friends like you one day.”