<Student comes in singing along with headphones.> “I – was the knight in shining armor to your movie, so put your lips on mine and love the aftertaste. Now – I’m a ghost, I call your name, you look right through me -“ “DO NOT SING THE NEXT LINE OF THAT SONG.” “Wha- Miss. I’m listening to the radio version, not the regular one, there’s nothing bad.” “Ohhhh, okay. I just didn’t want you to ruin your dating life for the next four years.” <Thinks, with a confused look for a minute.> “OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSS, what if I HAD sung the original words? No girl would come near me!” <Immediately gives me a huge bear hug.> “THANK YOU FOR SAVING ME, MISS!”
For the record, the next line in the unedited, non-radio-edit is: “You’re the reason I’m alone and masturbate.”
“Miss V— did your mother not let you pick your own outfits as a kid or something?” “Not often. And she made me wear those like, footed stockings all the time?” “That explains it.” “Always the parents’ fault.” “What, do you guys not like my outfit today?” “It’s pink and purple and furry and sparkly and fluffy…” “That’s why it’s awesome.” “…right…” “I like it. You look like a princess, Miss.” “Thank you, I AM a princess.” “She looks like a fairy princess.” “Can you do magic, Miss?” “Not so much.” “You could magically change my grade to a 100 for the year, I bet.” “No, that’s not really something I can do.” “Can a fairy queen do that? Because, like, we can make that promotion happen.” “Dude, I don’t know what fairy queens wear, and I’m not sure it’s worth a 100 to find out.”
<Former student interrupts me talking to another kid.>
“Excuse me-are you wearing Joe Biden and Obama earrings?” <grinning> “Yes, yes I am.”
“See, this is why I want to be like you. You’re weird and you do ridiculous things and wear stuff that adults aren’t supposed to wear and like stuff that adults are supposed to think is stupid and you’re just like….what? This is me!” “It’s the only way to go through life.”
<Walks off.>”Goals, Miss. Confidence goals. Person goals. Everything goals.”
After a few minutes of my students’ giggling for no apparent reason at the very beginning of class, I finally broke down and asked.
“Okay, guys. What’s the deal? Like, I know you’re laughing at me, but why?” “OOOOOH Miss VanSickle.”
<Louder laughter from everyone.> “What?” “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO we won’t tell you.” “Why not?” “Because you’re not SLOW, so eventually you’ll realize what we KNOW..”
<Just assume the hysterical laughter is a constant.> “Why are you rhyming?” “You have to guess, we won’t tell you just because you say SO.” “Is it something with the way I talk?” “That’s beLOW us.” “How I’m dressed?” “You’re getting warmer, GOOOO onnnn..” <I glance down.> “I thought I looked normal today? I’m wearing boot toppers and a nice bracelet and- oh.” <whole class>”OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH.” “I hate you guys so much.” “SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much.”
It took like 5 minutes to get them back on track. Apparently, they all talked about it and made the plan to emphasize the “OH” sounds all class while I was greeting students at the door, but couldn’t keep it together.
“Miss V—-! It’s snowing outside!” “I know, I know.”
“We’re going to have a white January 6th!” “Yeah, but it’s not going to stick.”
“Why would you say that? Don’t you want it to stick?” “Well, sure, I want to believe that it will, but the ground isn’t frozen, so when it hits the concrete, the warmth of the ground will melt it almost immediately, which could cause it to eventually freeze as ice and make the roads more slippery. So yes, I wish it would stick, too, because it would probably be just a little bit safer. But even the snow you see sitting on the grass will eventually melt as the heat radiates up through the roots.”
“Science ruins everything.”