freshmen

On rap attention getters.

<Today, we had no internet. Which means the kids who usually zone out on their phones were instead running their mouths like crazy. I decided to make the most of this.>
“Y’all…y’all…baby children…<finally yelling> GUYS!”
<Most students quiet down.>
“Okay, look, fam, this isn’t going to work. I can’t yell all day. So, let’s try a new thing. Y’all know how some elementary teachers have like a thing, where they go, ‘Reeeed Robin’ and all the kids answer ‘Yuuummmmm?’ “
“Miiiiss, nooooooo.”
“Yes, this is where we’re at. But as I was driving to work this morning, I made myself a promise. So let’s see if you can finish our attention getter without me explaining.”
<I clear my throat.>
<Clap.>
“Sit down!”
<Clap clap.>
Half the class: “BE¬†HUMBLLLLEEEEE!”
“Yeah, that’s a thing we’re doing now.”

For adults who don’t listen to Kendrick, see below:

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On mixing fiction and reality.

<Students discussing the end of The Rest of Us Just Live Here in class.>
“Who turns down a healing?”
“I kind of get it, but I would take him up on it.”
“That boy- he needs to whip out the warm oils, turn on some smooth jazz, and tell his friends to heat them hands up and get their glowy selves on me.”
“Y’all are gonna kiiiiiill me.”
“Nah, I got Jared on speed dial. You ain’t gon’ die.”

On non-mistakes.

<I threaten to call one of my favorite students’ moms because he won’t stop bouncing ON (not in) his chair.>
“Man, Miss, don’t! I’ll calm down. I already got sent to the SRO today.”
“WHAT?”
“Stuff happened. I don’t know. It’s fine now, let’s not go there.”
“I get it, mistakes were made…”
“Nah, it wasn’t a mistake, I definitely meant to do it.”

On returning compliments.

<Today, I told all my classes that I love them and they’re the reason I come to work. These are two of the responses I got.>

“Aw, thanks, Miss. You’re my favorite English teacher this year.”

“Nice. I’m’a go rate you on Yelp. 10 out of 10. Would recommend.”

On snow science.

“Miss V—-! It’s snowing outside!”
“I know, I know.”
“We’re going to have a white January 6th!”
“Yeah, but it’s not going to stick.”
“Why would you say that? Don’t you want it to stick?”
“Well, sure, I want to believe that it will, but the ground isn’t frozen, so when it hits the concrete, the warmth of the ground will melt it almost immediately, which could cause it to eventually freeze as ice and make the roads more slippery. So yes, I wish it would stick, too, because it would probably be just a little bit safer. But even the snow you see sitting on the grass will eventually melt as the heat radiates up through the roots.”
“Science ruins everything.”

On the benefits of having them as students.

<I walk by several of my students before school as I’m digging for my keys.>
“Hey Miss V!”
“Miss VANSICKLLLLLE…”
“Good morning, gentlemen.”
“You looking for your keys?”
“I’ll find them, they’re in here.”
“Let’s all stare at her awkwardly until she finds them.”
<Silence.>
<I pause my search to verify that yes, they are all staring at me silently.>
“I hate you all.”
<I continue the search. Find them after several awkward minutes.>
“Yaaaaay!”
“We’re so proud of you!”
“You did it!”
“Aren’t you glad we were here to witness this success?”
“You’re so lucky to teach us.”

On being Christ-like

<Student asks the saaaame question for the fourth time in a row.>

“Bro.”
“Duuuuuude, she JUST ANSWERED THAT QUESTION.”
“Like three times.”
“You dead Miss?”
“She’s dead.”
“She’s Jesus.”
“I’m what?”
“You’re Jesus, Miss. You die for our sins.”
“Everyday.”
“She’s more Jesus than Jesus!”