teachers

On my comparative success.

<This week, one of my best friends is in town. Last week, I was discussing the impending visit with a student of mine when this discussion happened.>
“So, who’s coming to visit?”
“One of my best friends.”
“You got more than one?”
“Yes, the one who’s coming to visit is a doctor in Baltimore, and then my other one lives in New York and works for Rolling Stone.”
<pause>
“Miss, do you just like, feel bad about yourself all the time?”

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On Fbook personalities

<Today, to infuse some levity into my lesson on theme, I included a bonus warm up by asking them to identify the theme of Pastor Fred’s video.>

“That’s me. That’s me in 10 years.”
“10 years? That’s me tomorrow.”
“He know he right. He know.”

On returning compliments.

<Today, I told all my classes that I love them and they’re the reason I come to work. These are two of the responses I got.>

“Aw, thanks, Miss. You’re my favorite English teacher this year.”

“Nice. I’m’a go rate you on Yelp. 10 out of 10. Would recommend.”

On my musical preferences. Again.

<Former student calls me to the door, where two more are with him, to ask a very important question.>
“Miss, were you listening to Shots by LMFAO this morning?”
“Immunizations are a very important part of leading a healthy, successful life as an American citizen.”
“Miss, really.”
“You know that’s not what the song’s about.”
<Looking at my favorite of the three.> “Sure it is. D—- knows that, don’t you?”
“Yep. All about vaccines.”
“Oh come on, it lists off shot names.”
“Yeah, so you know which ones to get.”
<sings, in rhythm>”Flu! Chicken pox! Measles! Malaria!”
“Malaria isn’t actually a shot, though…”
“Miss, come on, I’m trying to help you out here.”

On my love or hate for them.

“Miss V, do you ever get tired of and hate us? Because I get tired of and hate myself sometimes.”
“I’m just…going to walk over here now…”

<same kid, later>
“At this point, is there anything that I can do to convince you that I’m normal?”
“No.”
“I thought so.”

On why my life is so awful.

<to another student who dropped a highlighter>”Could you actually learn to catch, for the first time ever?”
“Could you actually do some work for the first time ever?”
“Oh, no, hold up, Miss. I have an A+ in your class, so bring it.”
“Ughhhhh why is my life so awful?”
<Dancing.> “‘Cause I’m in it!” <Continues dancing.>

On proof of love.

<Teaching life lessons while reading…>

“Should you ever ask anyone to prove their love to you?”
<Most of class> “NO!”
<One kid> “YES!”
“Um, no.”
“Okay, but only if you’re really hungry and you want your mom to make you a sandwich.”

On tech math

<First, I have to point out that this was a beginning English learner, which makes the joke more impressive – but it’s still a corny teacher joke, anyway.>

“Miss, I have iPhone eleven.”
“That’s not a real thing.”
“Yes, look!” <Pulls out two phones.> “6 plus five!”

On interests and hobbies.

<Student is completing a job application after finishing his work.>
“Miss V, I don’t have any interests and hobbies – what are your interests and hobbies?”
“I write, read, play the piano, I like photography…I travel…I volunteer…”
“…as TRIBUTE?!?”

On dress code options.

<My UIL academics kids – aka my smartypants kids – asked to look through my senior yearbook after school yesterday. I said yes. It was a mistake.>
“Wait, this is how you dressed in 2005?”
“Well, yeah, we didn’t have your dress code then.
“I don’t know what’s better – standardized dress or…that!”
“You mean worse. You don’t know what’s worse.”
“Either one…”
“This is how people dressed in 2005.”
“Why?”