teaching

On my comparative success.

<This week, one of my best friends is in town. Last week, I was discussing the impending visit with a student of mine when this discussion happened.>
“So, who’s coming to visit?”
“One of my best friends.”
“You got more than one?”
“Yes, the one who’s coming to visit is a doctor in Baltimore, and then my other one lives in New York and works for Rolling Stone.”
<pause>
“Miss, do you just like, feel bad about yourself all the time?”

On non-mistakes.

<I threaten to call one of my favorite students’ moms because he won’t stop bouncing ON (not in) his chair.>
“Man, Miss, don’t! I’ll calm down. I already got sent to the SRO today.”
“WHAT?”
“Stuff happened. I don’t know. It’s fine now, let’s not go there.”
“I get it, mistakes were made…”
“Nah, it wasn’t a mistake, I definitely meant to do it.”

On what we have in common.

“Guys, c’mon, STAAR isn’t a race where you need to beat each other, we can all be successful.
<rolls eyes> “Yeah, c’mon guys, we can beat the STAAR *together!*”
“Thanks for that facetiousness.”
“You’re welcome.”
“You right though, Miss, we all come from Harambe.”

On Fbook personalities

<Today, to infuse some levity into my lesson on theme, I included a bonus warm up by asking them to identify the theme of Pastor Fred’s video.>

“That’s me. That’s me in 10 years.”
“10 years? That’s me tomorrow.”
“He know he right. He know.”

On returning compliments.

<Today, I told all my classes that I love them and they’re the reason I come to work. These are two of the responses I got.>

“Aw, thanks, Miss. You’re my favorite English teacher this year.”

“Nice. I’m’a go rate you on Yelp. 10 out of 10. Would recommend.”

On my royalty and outfits.

“Miss V— did your mother not let you pick your own outfits as a kid or something?”
“Not often. And she made me wear those like, footed stockings all the time?”
“That explains it.”
“Always the parents’ fault.”
“What, do you guys not like my outfit today?”
“It’s pink and purple and furry and sparkly and fluffy…”
“That’s why it’s awesome.”
“…right…”
“I like it. You look like a princess, Miss.”
“Thank you, I AM a princess.”
“She looks like a fairy princess.”
“Can you do magic, Miss?”
“Not so much.”
“You could magically change my grade to a 100 for the year, I bet.”
“No, that’s not really something I can do.”
“Can a fairy queen do that? Because, like, we can make that promotion happen.”
“Dude, I don’t know what fairy queens wear, and I’m not sure it’s worth a 100 to find out.”

On reasons I don’t love them

“Look, don’t put this all on M—-. There’s plenty of blame to go around, just like in Romeo and Juliet.”
<Student I just defended.>”You KNOW she got to relate it back to the book.”
“Nah, bro, get it right – the movie.”
<I put my head on my desk.>
“OH MY GOD.”
“BOY, you stupid.”
“THIS IS WHY MISS V HATES US.”
“I don’t even blame her.”

On my love or hate for them.

“Miss V, do you ever get tired of and hate us? Because I get tired of and hate myself sometimes.”
“I’m just…going to walk over here now…”

<same kid, later>
“At this point, is there anything that I can do to convince you that I’m normal?”
“No.”
“I thought so.”

On why my life is so awful.

<to another student who dropped a highlighter>”Could you actually learn to catch, for the first time ever?”
“Could you actually do some work for the first time ever?”
“Oh, no, hold up, Miss. I have an A+ in your class, so bring it.”
“Ughhhhh why is my life so awful?”
<Dancing.> “‘Cause I’m in it!” <Continues dancing.>

On bad role models

“Hey! You need to show her some respect!”
“Okay, Miss. I’m’a go ahead and be like Donald Trump and say that I respect all women.”
“Are you then going to go ahead and grab her by the-“
<Whole class> “NO!” “Stop!” “HEY.”
“It’s not my fault that the election gave me bad role models…”